My Son’s Separation Anxiety: Understanding Why He Gets Anxious When We’re Apart

Dear Katherine,

A concerned parent recently shared a story about their son, who gets anxious whenever they’re apart. When he’s at school, he wants his parent to work from home, just so he knows they’re nearby. Even when the parent is just around the block, the child stresses out, worried that they won’t come back or won’t be there to pick him up.

At 10 years old, the parent wants their son to enjoy school and other activities without the constant anxiety. They ask, “Is it normal to have separation anxiety from your child?” and wonder what they can do to help.

Sincerely,
Trying Their Best


Trying Their Best,

This situation is indeed challenging. The child is dealing with some big feelings, and it sounds like a classic case of separation anxiety.

It’s important to first recognize that it’s perfectly okay for the child to have these feelings. Everything experienced in life serves a purpose—even the most negative emotions. It’s crucial to avoid telling children that their feelings are bad, scary, or wrong, as this can be one of the biggest parenting mistakes.

True self-acceptance must come first for any change to happen. When parents or children are judged, it creates an unsafe environment for transformation to take place. In response to the question, “Is separation anxiety more common in boys?”—it can be, but every child is unique, and the way parents respond to their needs is what truly matters.

Here are two key pieces of advice for helping both the parent and child through this challenging period:

1. Be a supportive parent while the child processes their feelings.

The child needs to learn how to be with the parts of themselves that are anxious instead of letting these feelings define them. It’s important to help create space between the child and their anxiety. This can start with conversations that acknowledge the anxiety.

For instance, saying, “Wow, something inside you is feeling really worried,” can provide the child space to talk about their concerns and how those concerns affect them. With practice, the child will be able to turn toward these scary feelings, understand what they’re trying to communicate, and become bigger than what’s causing the anxiety.

It’s crucial for the child to understand these feelings as separate from their identity. If the child believes they are anxious rather than recognizing that something inside them feels anxious, it will be difficult for them to assess and address the associated feelings accurately.

This approach not only helps the child cope with negative feelings now but also equips them with skills to manage anxiety throughout their life.

2. Find ways to stay connected, even when physically apart.

Separation anxiety is a common issue in parent-child relationships. Fortunately, there are ways to help the child feel connected even when they’re apart. This should be a collaborative effort between the parent and child.

Here are a couple of ideas to get started:

• Provide the child with a photo of the parent to keep in their pocket. When the child misses the parent, they can take out the photo and remember that the parent isn’t far away.
• Send messages throughout the day. If the child has a phone they can use at school, the parent can message them periodically to check in. If not, writing little notes to keep in folders, lunchboxes, or pencil cases can remind the child that the parent is thinking of them.

Separation anxiety can be difficult for both parents and children, but together, they can navigate this challenge.

Love and Blessings,
Katherine